You guys, you know that question ‘what would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail’? Well a version of this has been on my mind for a few days. My friends and family who know me well would tell you I have a serious amount of anxiety and I am really obsessive. I am often told I over think things too.
I mean I guess for someone not in my head those are probably very real observations – for me, it is just my everyday life. But I have been thinking about it more lately and the context in which it affects my life.
You see, the biggest issue I think I have is that it limits the authenticity with which I am able to live my life. I have learned that my thought process, my fears, and my worries are more than other people can comprehend – that for some people the mere thought of the tip of the iceberg that is my Alice in Wonder Land style tunnel of thought is sheer exhaustion.
So I stay guarded.
Partially for myself – how many times can you be recommend to yet another disappointing therapy session, or told that you need to change the way you think?
Partially for my friends and family – everyone has enough worries, I don’t need to add to it and I would feel terrible if I caused any one of them a new worry that they didn’t have before.
The truth is I think in a way that is different from those around me and different is scary, and beautiful, and lonely.
The question for me isn’t about failure any more – it is about fear. I am afraid of so many things. First and foremost I am afraid my kids will pick up on my thought habits and will be negatively impacted (I am not oblivious to the less than wonderful pieces of my mind), I am afraid of the judgement from friends, family, and strangers, I am afraid of disappointing those who have expectations of me – seriously, the worst punishment my parents could ever give me growing up was telling me how disappointed they were in my behavior – I am afraid of not meeting my potential, of making poor choices, of an untimely death. Basically, you name it, I probably fear it.
And it is dumb.
So, so, so dumb.
I have no more control over your thoughts than you do mine – although to be fair I try so desperately to fit everyone’s expectations that you probably have more control over who I am as a person than you could imagine – but is it really any of my business what anyone else thinks of me? (Even as I type that I wonder what you are thinking of that statement – is it too harsh, does it make me seem uncaring, shouldn’t I care about how my behavior and actions are seen by others?)
So here is the thing –
If I wasn’t being held back by fear (not fearless because my fear isn’t going to just pack it’s bags and hope a plane, it is staying by my side for the long haul) I would stay home with my kids and operate a work at home business – until such time that our finances allowed and my children’s needs lessened, then I would pursue an exciting career of my choosing. I would also be working my ass off to get all of our debt (including our house) off in the next 10 years (house paid off by 40 sounds pretty accomplished to me). And I would get back to healthy (and brutally honest with myself).
Tomorrow I will share with you the first step on this journey – which was starting the work from home business.
Until then, share what holds you back – we all have something!